Neological!

Once  again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to  its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply  alternate meanings for common words. The  winners are:

1.  Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have  gained.

3.  Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.

4.  Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.   Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6.  Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly  answer the door in your nightgown.

7.  Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.   Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11.   Testicle (n.), a humorous little question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted  by proctologists.

13.  Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14.  Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.

15.  Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.

16.  Circumvent  (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by  Jewish men.

The  Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers  to take  any word from the  dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,  or changing one letter, and  supply a new definition. Here are this year’s  winners:

1.  Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone  layer, unfortunately, shows  little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2.  Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4.  Giraffiti  (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very  high.

5.  Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the  person who doesn’t get it.

6.   Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running  late.

7.   Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8.  Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra  credit.)

9.  Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s  like, a serious bummer.

10.  Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day  consuming only things that are good for you.

11.  Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12.  Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when  they come at you rapidly.

13.  Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

14.  Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3am and cannot be cast  out.

15.  Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating. And  the pick of the literature: 16.  Ignoranus  (n): A person who’s both stupid and an  asshole.

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Wisdom + Honesty = Child

I received these gems from a friend and although I KNOW you will probably have seen or heard one or two of them before, I think they are worthy of sharing. They are supposedly true and far be it for me to doubt that such wisdom and honesty wouldn’t be true.

TEACHER: “Why are you late?”
STUDENT: “Class started before I got here.”
__________________________________

TEACHER: “John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?”
JOHN: “You told me to do it without using tables.”
__________________________________________

TEACHER: “Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?”
GLENN: “K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”
TEACHER: “No, that’s wrong!”
GLENN: “Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!”
(Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: “Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?”
DONALD: “H I J K L M N O.”
TEACHER: “What are you talking about?”
DONALD: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O.”
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TEACHER: “Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.”
WINNIE: “Me!”
__________________________________________

TEACHER: “Glen, why do you always get so dirty?”
GLEN: “Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.”
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TEACHER: “Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘ ”
MILLIE: “I is..”
TEACHER: “No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’ ”
MILLIE: “All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’ ”
________________________________

TEACHER: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
LOUIS: “Because George still had the axe in his hand…..?”  ______________________________________

TEACHER: “Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?”
SIMON: “No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.”
______________________________

TEACHER: “Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?”
CLYDE : “No, sir. It’s the same dog.”
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: “Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
HAROLD: “A teacher?”

I have to add I didn’t choose the names, although I will say I can’t recall having taught any Winnies, Glenns, Clydes or Harolds in the some 45 years in NZ schools!!! They could have only added to the experience of being a teacher!

 

Aah! The Irish!

A History of Ireland in 100 Excuses. (Thanks to Frank McNally and ‘The Irish Times’.)

1. Original sin.
2. The weather.
3. The 800 years of oppression.
4. A shortage of natural resources.
5. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak
6. Red hair.
7. The Celtic temperament.
8. He stole Trevelyan’s corn/So the young might see the morn.
9. It was taught badly in schools.
10. The Modh Coinníollach.
11. Peig.
12. The questions didn’t suit you.
13. No-one shouted stop.
14. Johnny made me do it.
15. Oh no! ‘Twas the truth in her eyes ever dawning, that made me love Mary the Rose of Tralee.
16. That fella has a bad drop in him.
17. Her father didn’t like me anyway.
18. I have to see a man about a dog.
19. Don’t mind me – I haven’t been myself lately.
20. And then he lost the head altogether.
21. Lehman Brothers.
22. The Christian Brothers.
23. Biddy Early.
24. Benchmarking.
25. We only did it for the crack.
26. April Fool’s Day.
27. Halloween.
28. Stag parties.
29. The stony grey soil of Monaghan.
30. The rocks of Bawn.
31. The hungry grass.
32. The pipes (the pipes) were calling.
33. And that’s the cruel reason why I left old Skibbereen.
34. Come all ye young rebels, and list while I sing/For the love of one’s country is a terrible thing/It banishes fear with the speed of a flame/And it makes us all part of the patriot game.
35. He must have got it from his father’s side – it couldn’t have been from us.
36. “Your health!”
37. “Cheers!”
38. “Sláinte!”
39. “Is it your round or mine?”
40. “Last orders!”
41. “I suppose we might as well have one for the road, so.”
42. Ah, you’re drunk you’re drunk, you silly oul fool, still you cannot see, that’s a lovely sow that me mother sent to me.
43 – 48. See 42, excuses relating to drunken nights two to seven, inclusive.
49. I can resist anything except temptation.
50. The Old Lady Says ‘No!’
51. Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths, etc, etc/But I, being poor, have only my dreams.
52. I loved too much/And by such and such/Is happiness thrown away.
53. But I being young and foolish with her could not agree.
54. If [ Mrs Nugent] hadn’t of poked her nose in between me and Joe, everything would have been alright.
55. Home Rule is Rome rule.
56. Yes, but what about…?
58. This Bill seeks to provide an Irish solution to an Irish problem.
59. It was a bizarre happening.
60. An unprecedented situation.
61. A grotesque situation.
62. An almost unbelievable mischance.
63. I never had to concern myself about my personal finances. [ Des Traynor] took over control of my financial affairs from about 1960 onwards. He sought, as his personal responsibility, to ensure that I would be free to devote my time and ability to public life.
64. We get here and the skips containing the team’s training gear are missing.
65. The pitch is like a car park.
66. We had no goalkeepers for the five-a-side.
67. Packie [ Bonner] said that they’d worked hard. Alan [ Kelly] said that they’d worked hard. I said: “Do ye want a pat on the back for working hard – is that not why we’re here?” I did mention that they wouldn’t be too tired to play golf the next day and, fair play, they dragged themselves out.
68. We’re the Irish team. It’s a laugh and a joke. We shouldn’t expect too much.
69. I had to attend my grandmother’s funeral
70. No, not that grandmother, the other one.
71. All right, then – I never wanted to play for Ireland anyway.
72. I must have had a bad pint.
73. It was either that, or the curry on the way home.
74. Nasal congestion.
75. Heavy bones.
76. A bug going round.
77. The 5.15 from Thurles has been delayed due to leaves on the line.
78. We made those pre-election promises in good faith. It was only in government we realised how bad the country’s finances were.
79. It was a complex but legitimate business arrangement.
80. The money was only resting in my account.
81. You try running three houses on my salary and see how you get on.
82. I regarded it as a loan.
83. I had no bank account at that time.
84. I won it on the horses.
85. But the tent is only a small part of our annual fund-raising operation.
86. The banks were throwing money at us.
87. We were hit by a perfect storm.
88. Don’t blame me – I was only the taoiseach.
89. Lehmans had testicles everywhere.
90. The Welsh just seemed to want it a bit more than we did.
91. And we were going so well all week in training.
92. That wasn’t the real Ireland you saw out there today.
93. I’m off the beer for Lent.
94. Yes, I took out gym membership in January, but I’m off that for Lent too.
95. I can’t believe it’s that time already.
96. The day just ran away with me.
97. It started out as a joke.
98. There was drink involved.
99. One thing led to another.
100. The dead man was known to the Garda.

Aaaah! The Irish, gotta love ’em!

Sad, Humourless Moaners SHUT UP!!!

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10720379I don’t care what people give up or don’t give up for Lent but I DO care that there are too many pathetic, whingeing PC poofters around who loudly object to public notices such as this and this.

I am delighted that the church management/priest-in-charge have the gumption to not bend or be swayed by the (very) few moaners who have their own agendas/standards and believe that everybody else should conform to them.

TWITTERAGE

What an absolute nonsense- an ‘English’ footballer

Carlton Cole, England striker.

 

is to be sanctioned after his joke posted on Twitter was deemed ‘inappropriate’ by the PC Soccer Policeman, Lord Herman Ouseley (head of ‘Kick It Out’, football’s equality and inclusion campaign.)

The comment. that is so obviously meant as a joke should be left to be just that, A JOKE!!!! Such jokes are made all the time and people shouldn’t have to be continually ‘looking over their shoulder’ to check that there isn’t some wanky PC whiner behind them who run to equally wanky PC authorities because they have no sense of humour.

Perhaps there is a defensive reaction in this from the powers that be whose past actions have led to sometimes ‘delicate’ situations involving race. Had governments not developed such open ‘open door’ immigration policies driven by a collective sense of misplaced responsibility arising out of the colonial years I’m sure there would not be the sense of ‘them and us’, and the underlying antagonism of the indigenous populations.

Cole is possibly well qualified to make such jokes by virtue of his heritage anyway- he has a Nigerian father and Sierra Leonean mother.

Oh well, get out the wet bus ticket!

 

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THOUGHTS OF A WEE SCOTTISH CHAP

I am a BIG fan of Billie Connolly and value one of his bits of advice (for the over 60s)- ‘never trust a fart, never miss the opportunity to pee, and if you get an erection, USE IT!’ Here are a bunch more little philosophical offerings, many of which will reflect what our own thinking might have been at such a time…

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

People say things like “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.” So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning.That can keep me awake for days.

People ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? (I truly hope this is not lost on you!)

People say “life is short”. What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that’s longer?

When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards. (But it might glow brighter?)

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on.

I’m famous for my bottom dances, but you’ll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Billy Connolly

 

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Grandma’s Boobs

Air NZ Pulls Billboard.
I am saddened by today’s PC, touchy, wingeing attitudes and how the ability, or possibly more correctly the option to laugh at ourselves is being rapidly eroded. I think the analogy of ‘grandma’s boobs’ is funny. I think the message was neither ageist or sexiest. I think the majority of New Zealanders would find it funny. I DO NOT think it is offensive. I think for our national carrier, Air New Zealand to respond to the negative response of one or two people to the extent of removing the message is pathetic. If the wingers are upset, give them an apolgy for their pathetic attitude, an exhortation to ‘get a life’, and leave the message where it is for the amusement of the majority of New Zealanders who still appreciate a joke, and accept the intention for what it actually was- a joke and not a sexist insult or reflective of an ‘ageist’ attitude.
For God’s sake, you small minded, sad, humourless wingers- be satisfied with making your views known, certainly, but accept that most grandmas and offspring of grandmas will enjoy the billboard when they see it, smile, and get on with their lives without even thinking of taking offense!!

Cop This Humour

Who thinks cops in the United States are lacking in good humour? I guess many who’ve been shot by them, or beaten by them, or have been ‘framed’ by them for an offence they didn’t commit. BUT here is proof that at least some aren’t. These are all statements made by arresting officers in The States.

These are comments made by 16 different Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”  (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”