Once  again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to  its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply  alternate meanings for common words. The  winners are:

1.  Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have  gained.

3.  Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.

4.  Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.   Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6.  Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly  answer the door in your nightgown.

7.  Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.   Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11.   Testicle (n.), a humorous little question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted  by proctologists.

13.  Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14.  Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.

15.  Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.

16.  Circumvent  (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by  Jewish men.

The  Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers  to take  any word from the  dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,  or changing one letter, and  supply a new definition. Here are this year’s  winners:

1.  Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone  layer, unfortunately, shows  little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2.  Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4.  Giraffiti  (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very  high.

5.  Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the  person who doesn’t get it.

6.   Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running  late.

7.   Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8.  Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra  credit.)

9.  Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s  like, a serious bummer.

10.  Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day  consuming only things that are good for you.

11.  Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12.  Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when  they come at you rapidly.

13.  Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

14.  Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3am and cannot be cast  out.

15.  Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating. And  the pick of the literature: 16.  Ignoranus  (n): A person who’s both stupid and an  asshole.


Old Fingernails

My daughter had a conversation with our (at times) quite serious minded four and a half year old grandson- she had just made the observation his nails were in need of a clip ‘n clean.

Nathan- “Mummy, I think I know why Nana’s nails are so long- I think they must not have a nail-clipper like us!!”

Mummy- “Hmmmm….maybe. Are Poppa’s nails long?”

Nathan- “Well, no. Hmmm… Well, he is maybe too old, and when you get old you get full-size and you stop growing. I think that’s why his nails don’t grow long!”

I do love him.


Yes, my daughter is blonde. She is also very well educated, very capable in the spoken and the written word, and has a satisfying desire for correctness (despite the fact that she will participate in deconstruction of the English language if it suits her mood, and not infrequently it does.) But she sent me the following little anecdote under the title, “Entertaining Brain Fail”. That being the mood in which she sent it, I decided to share it.

So, on Tuesday, I woke up with a blocked ear. Grr. In a wee email to my mate downstairs at work, I told him about it, lamenting the fact I couldn’t even listen to my ipod. I cited this as “cruel and unusual torcher”.
Spell check didn’t like it, at which I was totally baffled. What the hell’s wrong with you, spell check? None of the suggestions looked like suitable alternatives to what I’d written. So I checked the dictionary. TORCHER. Doesn’t exist. Screw you, Microsoft Office and Concise Oxford Dictionary, I thought, and sent it anyway. And as I hit send, I had a strange little surreal ‘The Matrix’ moment…had I been imagining the use of this word for my entire life? Had people actually been saying a different word, but my brain somehow heard this?
…about an hour and a half later, I realised, quite out of the blue, why spell check didn’t like my word, and why I couldn’t find it in the dictionary. I emailed my mate, letting him how I’d just realised this – to which he replied “lol – I thought you were just being ironic!”
To which I replied, “I know it’s nothing to joke about, but I’m wondering if maybe I’ve just had a wee stroke. I need a break, let’s go and get coffee.”

He he. I love her to bits.


I am a BIG fan of Billie Connolly and value one of his bits of advice (for the over 60s)- ‘never trust a fart, never miss the opportunity to pee, and if you get an erection, USE IT!’ Here are a bunch more little philosophical offerings, many of which will reflect what our own thinking might have been at such a time…

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

People say things like “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.” So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning.That can keep me awake for days.

People ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? (I truly hope this is not lost on you!)

People say “life is short”. What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that’s longer?

When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards. (But it might glow brighter?)

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on.

I’m famous for my bottom dances, but you’ll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Billy Connolly


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