Neological!

Once  again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to  its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply  alternate meanings for common words. The  winners are:

1.  Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2.  Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have  gained.

3.  Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat  stomach.

4.  Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.   Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6.  Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly  answer the door in your nightgown.

7.  Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8.  Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9.   Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11.   Testicle (n.), a humorous little question on an exam.

12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted  by proctologists.

13.  Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14.  Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with  Yiddishisms.

15.  Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck  there.

16.  Circumvent  (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by  Jewish men.

The  Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers  to take  any word from the  dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,  or changing one letter, and  supply a new definition. Here are this year’s  winners:

1.  Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone  layer, unfortunately, shows  little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2.  Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3.  Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4.  Giraffiti  (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very  high.

5.  Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the  person who doesn’t get it.

6.   Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running  late.

7.   Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8.  Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra  credit.)

9.  Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s  like, a serious bummer.

10.  Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day  consuming only things that are good for you.

11.  Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12.  Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when  they come at you rapidly.

13.  Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

14.  Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3am and cannot be cast  out.

15.  Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating. And  the pick of the literature: 16.  Ignoranus  (n): A person who’s both stupid and an  asshole.

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