I am a BIG fan of Billie Connolly and value one of his bits of advice (for the over 60s)- ‘never trust a fart, never miss the opportunity to pee, and if you get an erection, USE IT!’ Here are a bunch more little philosophical offerings, many of which will reflect what our own thinking might have been at such a time…

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

People say things like “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.” So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning.That can keep me awake for days.

People ask “Can I ask you a question?”. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? (I truly hope this is not lost on you!)

People say “life is short”. What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that’s longer?

When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.

The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards. (But it might glow brighter?)

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey… Doesn’t try it on.

I’m famous for my bottom dances, but you’ll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.

Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.

Billy Connolly


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